Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
