Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
