i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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