I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
