People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
