yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
