They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
