I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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