just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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