When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
