It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
