so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
