I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
