I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
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There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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