dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
