so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
