uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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