I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
