I could make wine with my vomit
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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