3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
