You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
