And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize