and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
