I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
