Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
