Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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