My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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