We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
