Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
