p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize