way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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