I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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