Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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