Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Randomize
