I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
