i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
