Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
