I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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