your parents love me but you hate me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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