New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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