peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
