The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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