i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
