I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
