Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
