Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
