I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
