Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize