My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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