I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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