I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
