saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
