I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
