she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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