Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
