the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
